And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
