you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
