Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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