I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
