all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
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He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
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Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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