I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
