Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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