wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
