textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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