if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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