im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
