The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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