I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
