Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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