he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
