i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
