I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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