hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
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He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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