Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Randomize
