I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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