It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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