Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
