if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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