Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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