He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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