Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
