don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
