so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
