The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
