I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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