So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
