Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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