Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
