Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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