look no pants
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
