tonight lets celebrate not being married
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
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I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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