My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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