U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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