Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
