im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
