Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
