She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
