I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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