my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she told me i tasted like america
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
