everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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