Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
he had hair everywhere except his balls
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
