apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
