i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
