I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
