so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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