i love accidental penises.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
3pm strippers are depressing
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
