Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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