wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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