I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
