I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
