dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
