apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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