True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
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hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
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I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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