i just sent this text using only my big toe
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
